Representation Through Humiliation

11/30/2004

Ken Jennings Meets His Match

Tonight at 7:00, we will watch as Ken Jennings gets his rear handed to him by Nancy Zerg, a California real estate agent. In this previously taped episode, Zerg beat Jennings $14,001 to $8,799. The game was close at the Final Jeapordy question, Jennings leading $14,400 to Zerg's $10,000.

The clue that brought the giant crumbling down? "Most of this firm's 70,000 seasonal white-collar employees work only four months a year." Zerg jotted the correct answer quickly: "What is H&R block." While Jennings put Federal Express.

Ken's winnings have put him in a whole new tax bracket, and the media won't let anyone forget it. He is booked for David Letterman and Regis Philbin this week, has a book deal, and is open to any commercial sponsorship opportunities.

-ABC News story

Ken is upset about losing his position in your weeknight line-up, but the rest of the nation is relieved that Tom Ridge has resigned from the administrations line-up. Upon his resignation, the White House posted an open casting call for aspiring Yes Men.

-ABC News story

11/29/2004

U.S. Backs Revote....In Ukraine

Recent reports indicate that the United State's official position on the proposed presidential election revote in Ukraine is that we will not recognize the winner until something is done to ensure that the votes are not false or tampered with. Can you taste the hypocrisy.

-ABC News story

11/28/2004

Pepper Spray Deters Shoppers

Earlier today, a can of pepper spray went off in a crowded elevator at an NYC Toys 'R Us, temporarily sidetracking determined customers as they tried to rub the toxic material out of their eyes. Once they realized that the pepper spray would limit their money-spending abilities in the long term, they relunctantly allowed themselves to be treated at nearby St. Vincent's Hospital to shop another day.

-CNN story

11/27/2004

Ukraine Election Invalid

Ukraine Parliament declared today that last week's disputed presidential election, won by Prime Minister Viktor Yanukovych according to the Central Elections Comission, was invalid. They cited many irregularities in the voting process and ballot. Parliament also saidd the CEC had failed to fulfil its duties under Ukraine's constitution and laws.
hen the results first came in from the November 21st election, supporters of Yanukovych's opposer, Viktor Yushchenko took to the streets in protest of the outcome. Lawsuits were filed, lawyers were called, the whole bit. And suprisingly enough, Ukraine viewed sideways looks suspiciosly like Florida...

-Yahoo! News story

-AOL News story

11/26/2004

That's The Spirit!

While the rest of the country was enjoying their Thnaksgiving diner with family in friends last night, Frank Palacious was stabbing Gonzalo Ocasio, 49, and his 18-year-old son, Gonzalo Jr. for criticizing his table manners. According to the police, The Gonzalos Two provoked him by reprimanding him for picking at his turkey with his fingers instead of using utensils.

-ABC News story

Elsewhere, Santa Clause is prohibited from skydiving to the Anaheim Town Square shopping center with gifts and greetings due to air restrictions imposed by Disneyland.
Park officials cite terrorist threats as a sound reason to make Santa arrive in a fire truck (as he did last year) instead of by air.
Shopping Center managers say otherwise:
"The terrorists are not involved in any way whatsoever," said Ryan Williams, promotions director for center owner NewMark Merrill. "This is Santa landing with his elves."
Despite strong arguments from both sides and a grassroots "Let Santa Fly '05" campaign, the issue will be shelved until atleast next year.

-ABC News story

11/25/2004


MACY'S! Posted by Hello

Happy Turkey Day!

Enjoy yourself today. No work, no school. No real news occuring. Miracles all around.

Otherwise, you can use this as an open thread, I guess.

11/24/2004

Rather's Replacement

Those of us who haven't been hiding under a rock, covering our ears for the last few days know that CBS's Dan Rather has resigned as anchor for Evening News. Although he will continue to work as a full-time correspondent for both editions of 60 Minutes. We scoured the web searching for who everyone wanted to replace Dan. We found these suggestions:

11/22/2004

JFK Reloaded

Today Traffic Games released a new downloadable video game that lets you be Lee Harvey Oswaldin his assassination of John F. Kennedy. The more accurate your shot, the higher your score. The more inhumane people get, the more I want to vomit.

-Al Jazeera story

-GameSpot review

11/21/2004


heyheyhey! I'm the one who broke the pinata in the first place! Gimme! Posted by Hello

Today President Bush got into a little scuffle in Chile when the security guards there wouldn't go through the metal detectors. Bush's top Secret Service man argued with them, and Georgie felt the need to reach in there and pull his guy out.

11/20/2004

Plague of Locusts, Plague of Insurgents

Two huge swarms of locusts were recently seen over Isreal. They could be harmful, it seems, to the crops of nearby farmers. Irony...sense...tingling...

-Haaretz story

In a similar manner, Iraqi insurgents swarmed into Baghdad today.

-Yahoo! News story

11/19/2004

Strike a Pose


Don't you Photoshop geeks have anything better to do with your lives? Posted by Hello

Did You Know...?

...That when you mistype dailyfry.blogspot.com as dailyfry.blogpsot.com you get a site titled Abundant Bible: Mega-site of Bible studies and information. It's a hilarious site that includes sections entitled "Proof The Bible Is True", "Jesus Desk", and "Bible Study". Enjoy.

11/17/2004

Help Wanted

POSTED: The Central Intelligence Agency is looking for a hard worker with a background in politics. Little to no experience neccesary. Bias required. Inquire within.

11/16/2004

Movers & Shakers

Colin Powell- outta here.
Condeleeza Rice- nominated for Secretary of State.
Rod Paige- resigned from Secretary of Eduacation office.
Spencer Abraham- resigned from Energy.
Ann Veneman- gone from Agriculture.
James McGreevy- officially resigned as governor of NJ.
Richard Codey- took oath of office as the new governor of NJ.
John Ashcroft- gone.

11/15/2004

Powell Resigns

Alas, the last chance we had of getting a straight answer out of the White House has up and flown the coup. Condeleeza Rice is expected to replace him as Secretary of State.

-CNN story

Meanwhile, on Meet the Press the other day, Crossfire co-host and former unofficial Kerry adviser James Carville egged himself in the face in protest of Kerry's lost. What a sad, bald little man.

-Yahoo! News story

Unrelated link guaranteed to offend someone: Landover Baptist Church.

The News is Weak


Too early to be interesting. Too late to be used as a Halloween mask. Posted by Hello

11/14/2004

Sorry...Not Sorry?

A war is being waged in the depths of cyberspace between two websites with a political agenda: being sorry (or in some cases... not sorry.).

SorryEverbody.com

WereNotSorry.com


Elsewhere, last week's Newsweek featured an 84-page post-analysis of the election. It's agood read, going "behind closed doors" and into the strategy meetings and mud-slinging of both camps. The articles detail Kerry's come-from-behind primary campaign all the way up to election night. Unfortunately, they failed to realize that NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE ELECTION ANYMORE!

11/13/2004

Cheney's Heart Timeline

Thanks to AOL News for providing this info:

  • 1978- At the age of 37, Cheney has first heart attack.
  • 1984- Cheney experiences second attack.
  • 1988- He undergoes quadruple bypass surgery to clear clogged arteries after his third attack.
  • Nov. 22, 2000- Dick suffers fourth heart attack and undergoes angioplasy to reopen the same artery.
  • 2000- He quits smoking.
  • June, 2001- Pacemaker implanted in chest.
  • Nov. 13, 2004- Admitted to George Washington Hospital after experiencing "shortness of breath."


Bush's Rose-Colored Glasses

King George once again donned his favorite pair of shades this morning as he spoke about Iraq. He claimed "support continues to grow" internationally for the U.S.-led coalition in Iraq.

BREAKING

CNN is now reporting that Dick Cheney is being treated at the George Washington hospital in DC for lack of breath. It is likely that his condition is the result of his cardiac problems... or he's faking it. You can never be sure.

Faces of the Fallen

Atrios tipped me off to this very nice memorium to the American soldiers killed in combat.

11/12/2004

Guilty

For the 1st degree murder of Laci and 2nd degree of his unborn child. What else is on?

Before and After


Begin the transformation today with Geragos Gym and Spa!Posted by Hello

Scott (Yawn...) Peterson...

It would appear the jury has reached a verdict. If you can't quite remember the meaning of that word, let me refresh you. It means we don't need to hear the word "Scott Peterson" in every single newscast we watch anymore.

11/11/2004

NY Post War


Huh, that soldier seems pretty happy. Guess he war isn't going as bad as we thought... Glad the Post cleared that one up for us. Posted by Hello

The Real War


Oh. Well, uh... Hmmmm. I never liked the Daily News anyway. Too pessimistic. Posted by Hello

11/10/2004

A Good Place to Throw a Minority

Roberto Gonzalez, a hispanic, is reported to be the successer of Attorney General John Ashcroft. He was appointed White House counsel in 2001. As a counsel, he fought to keep Cheney's energy commision meetings secret and beleived that the government should have the right to detain potential terrorists indefinitely without formal charges, access to an attorney, and protection from the court system. Right-O! Looks like a fine couple years are on their way!

-ABC News story


how the rest were won. Posted by Hello

11/09/2004

Oh, How I hate Maps

11/08/2004

Photo Op


Sheeee-ut. They is actually elected me this time 'round? Posted by Hello

"A Slight Hitch in Our Giddy-Up"

This and many other Ratherisms from E-Day are available here.

Are the electoral maps you keep seeing getting boring? Try these maps on for size. (Courtesy of BOP!)


Also, if you noticed the below picture, I'd like to inform you that it was made possible thanks to Hello Bloggerbot!

11/05/2004

Sign Me Up!

"Now that George W. Bush has been declared the official winner of the November 2 election and shall become the President of the United States for four more years of idiocy, I the undersigned, a Canadian citizen, pledge to liberate, through the legal and binding act of marriage, a willing citizen of the United States of America, of a gender of my choosing, and with one or all of the following political leanings:
1. discouraged Democrat,
2. reformed Republican,
3. apolitical with limited world-domination tendencies.
In addition, I promise to help my new Yankee spouse to adapt to life in the great white north, keeping them safe from (gratuitous) invasion of privacy, and to provide him/her with a reasonable supply of Timbits.
"

The preceding is the pledge you can take at MarryAnAmerican.ca to help poor chaps like me get a visa to the liberal-lovin' land of the Canucks.

Apparently We Did Something Wrong...

According to this Chicago Tribune article us bloggers screwed up this E-Day. It seems we weren't supposed to post exit poll numbers because they are inaccurate. Um, sorry?

Bush Outlines Term

Todayat his first pres conference since the election, President Bush outlined his plan for the next four years.

"I understand, in certain capitals and certain countries, [the decision to invade Iraq was] not popular."

Surprisingly enough, he was not refering to this country.

He went on to say that he would "reach out to everyone who shares our goals."

Excuse me, Mr. President, but didn't you say just before that you were going to reach out to the other side of the aisle. No, no. you're right I must have confused you with someone else, never mind.

-ABC News story

11/04/2004

Translating the Bushspeak

We know the man isn't very clear with his speeches, so we decided to translate what he said to what he meant:

"We had a long night ... and a great night. The voters turned out in record numbers and delivered an historic victory."

Translation: "Our guys had a lot of ballots to tear up last night."

"Earlier today, Senator Kerry called with his congratulations. We had a really good phone call. He was very gracious. Senator Kerry waged a spirited campaign, and he and his supporters can be proud of their efforts."

Translation: "I can't beleive we won against this guy!"

"Laura and I wish Senator Kerry and Teresa and their whole family all our best wishes."

Translation: "Awww, screw 'em."

"America has spoken, and I'm humbled by the trust and the confidence of my fellow citizens."

Translation: "A couple of you down there in Florida actually voted for me this time, huh?"

"With that trust comes a duty to serve all Americans. And i will do my best o fulfill that duty every day as your President."

Translation: "It seems there are certain duties I have with this job... Go figure.

"There are many people to thank and my family comes first. Laura is the love of my life. I'm glad you love her too."

Translation: "Everybody loves Laura now, right?!?"

"I want to thank our daughters who joined their dad for his last campaign. I appreciate the hard work of my sister and brothers. I especially want to thank my parents for their loving support. I'm grateful to the vice president and Lynne and their daughters who have worked so hard and been such a vital part of our team."

Translation: "For everyone who told me that being myself was not neccesarily what I wanted to do in this race, thank you."

"The vice president serves America with wisdom and honor and I'm proud to serve beside him."

Translation: "Dick actually let me do this speech without a wire today."

"I want to thank my superb campaign team. I want to thank you all for your hard work. I was impressed every day by how hard and how skillful our team was. I want to thank Chairman Marc Racicot and the campaign manager, Ken Mehlman, the architect, Karl Rove. I want to thank Ed Gillespie for leading our party so well."

Translation: "Thank you, Karl Rove...and...uh, did I mention Karl Rove?

"I want to thank the thousands of our supporters across our country. I want to thank you for your hugs on the rope lines. I want thank you for your prayers on the rope lines. I want to thank you for your kind words on the rope lines."

Translation: "You guys did some crazy stuff on the rope lines."

"I want to thank you for everything you did to make the calls and to put up the signs, to talk to your neighbors and to get out the vote. And because you did the incredible work, we are celebrating today."

Translation: "We're celebrating. The general concensus is that we di all the hard work, but, hey, we'll throw you 'voters' a bone."

"There is an old saying: Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers; pray for powers equal to your tasks."

Translation: "It seems we're going to need more power. Or maybe more tasks?"
In four historic years, America has been given great tasks and faced them with strength and courage.

Translation: "Again with the tasks, who wrote this crap?"

"Our people have restored the vigor of this economy and shown resolve and patience in a new kind of war."

Translation: "Vigor is a fancy word, doncha think?"

"Our military has brought justice to the enemy and honor to America."

Translation: "It seems those guys vote too. Oops."

"Our nation has defended itself and served the freedom of all mankind."

Translation: "Although I was reading about goats at the time, it looks like you folks held up pretty well."

"I'm proud to lead such an amazing country, and I'm proud to lead it forward."

Translation: "If it seems like were moving backwards, it's only because we want yo show the full effect of moving forwards."

"Because we have done the hard work, we are entering a season of hope."

Translation: "Button up, it's chilly."

"We will continue our economic progress. We'll reform our outdated tax code."

Translation: "Tax breaks for...uh, SOME PEOPLE! YAY!"

"We'll strengthen the Social Security for the next generation."

Translation: "'What about the current generation?' you say? What about 'em?"

"We'll make public schools all they can be."

Translation: "When the wrecking ball comes in, we're going to ask everyone to duck."

"And we will uphold our deepest values of family and faith."

Translation: "Forget all that crap I said about gays being alright. It seems you people don't like 'em as much as I thought."

"We'll help the emerging democracies of Iraq and Afghanistan ... so they can grow in strength and defend their freedom."

Translation: "Iraqis defending freedom? I don't like the sound of that!"

"And then our service men and women will come home with the honor they have earned."

Translation: "By the time you guys come home, I won't be around to be mad at!"

"With good allies at our side, we will fight this war on terror with every resource of our national power so our children can live in freedom and in peace."

Translation: "I realize now that allies actually are OK in some cases. Like when I'm tired of invading foreign nations."

"Reaching these goals will require the broad support of Americans."

Translation: "Every one who doesn't agree with me is helping the terrorists!"

"So today I want to speak to every person who voted for my opponent."

Translation: "You can run, but you can't hide!"

"To make this nation stronger and better, I will need your support and I will work to earn it."

Translation: "Re-reading the job description, I saw that there was I line I missed about having to work."

"I will do all I can do to deserve your trust."

Translation: "If you don't trust me already, you're better off moving to Canada."

"A new term is a new opportunity to reach out to the whole nation."

Translation: "If everyone could just forget about the first term, that'd be great."

"We have one country, one Constitution, and one future that binds us."

Translation: "You have ONE option, and I'm it! Deal with it!"

"And when we come together and work together, there is no limit to the greatness of America."

Translation: "I'll be on the sofa couch if you folks need me."

"Let me close with a word for the people of the state of Texas. We have known each other the longest, and you started me on this journey. On the open plains of Texas, I first learned the character of our country: sturdy and honest, and as hopeful as the break of day. I will always be grateful to the good people of my state."

Translation: "Forget all about where I was born! I wear a cowboy hat and spit when I talk, isn't that good enough for you people?"

"And whatever the road that lies ahead, that road will take me home."

Translation: "Hold on tight! That road looks bumpy!"

"The campaign has ended, and the United States of America goes forward with confidence and faith. I see a great day coming for our country and I am eager for the work ahead."

Translation: "And it's gonna be hard work, too. Lest we forget!"

"God bless you and may God bless America."

Translation: "But no one else, God!"

-Bush's victory speech transcript

Getting Over It

OK, I'm recovering. I may not hav to move to Canada. I'm not sure.
On to the post:

Bush is thought to comment on the death of Yasaar Arafat soon. If he actually read the papers, he might be surprised to find that Arafat is actually NOT YET DEAD!

"Yasser Arafat was in a coma and in critical condition Thursday in an intensive care ward of a French military hospital, as senior Palestinian Authority officials rushed to Ramallah for emergency meetings of governing bodies formally headed by the stricken leader, Palestinian sources said."

-Haaretz story


Sick of Red States and Blue States? Check out how purple our
country really is: Purple Country

11/03/2004

Kerry Concedes

At 11:02 this morning, John F. Kerry conceded to George W. Bush. Kerry delivered his "United America" concession speech at 2 this afternoon, and George is probably giving his "I actually won this time" victory speech right now (I'm not watching.) I actually got most of my predictions right last night. I'm surprised. My only mistake was giving Kerry Ohio, when in truth it will almost definitely go Bush even after the provisional ballots are counted.

-Kerry concession transcript

Bush win?

Dunno, but ABC atleast is saying it's just a matter of time. CNN is holding out, being very cautious and saying it all comes down to the provisional ballots in Ohio. Whatever. I'm going back to sleep.

11/02/2004

The Gnomes of Zzimn

Ahhh. Yea, well if anyone is watching The Daily Show right now they'll get it, if not, too bad. On to the numbers (some are predictions, some are...OK, they're all predictions. Did I mention that you should probably check these figures against someone who knows what they're talking about? (i.e. someone who is not watching The Daily Show.)

Bush-
Alabama (9)
Alaska (3)
Georgia (15)
Indiana (11)
Kentucky (8)
Nebraska (5)
N. Carolina (15)
N. Dakota (3)
Oklahoma (7)
Tennesee (11)
Texas (34)
Utah (5)
Virginia (13)
W. Virginia (5)

Total: 171

Kerry-
California (55)
Connecticut (7)
Deleware (3)
DC (3)
Illinois (21)
Maine (4)
Maryland (10)
Massachusetts (12)
New Hampshire (4)
New Jersey (15)
New York (31)
Ohio (20)
Pennsylvania (21)
Rhode Island (4)
Vermont (3)

Total: 238

Unfortunately, this will be my last post for tonight. I will try to post the official results in the morning if they are available. Ehh... no one knows. Good Night!

More Results

OK, as of 9:00 PM we're gonna call Ohio and Pennsylvania for Kerry and Florida for Bush! All of the networks are being ultra-cautious, so we're going out on alimb here and saying these two battlegrounds are off the market. According to many an exit poll, there's a 20 pt. margin between the canidates in these states, so we feel we can call them. Also, New Jersey's gone to Kerry within the last hour. It seems the polls I was going on were way off, sorry.

Ah, here's the current rundown:

Bush-
Alabama (9)
Georgia (15)
Florida (27)
Indiana (11)
Kentucky (8)
N. Carolina (15)
Oklahoma (7)
Tennessee (11)
Virginia (13)
W. Virginia (5)

Total: 141

Kerry-
Connecticut (7)
DC (3)
Illinois (21)
Maine (4)
Maryland (10)
Massachusetts (12)
New Hampshire (4)
New Jersey (15)
Ohio (20)
Pennsylvania (21)
Vermont (3)

Total: 120

As of right now, I think they'll know the winner later tonight. No "Florida" this time around, sorry! You heard it here first. More as it comes.

I Don't Trust Us.

Alright, heres how it's swinging as of 8:00 PM Eastern:

Bush- Georgia, West Virginia, Kentucky, and Indiana. Total Electoral Votes: 34

Kerry- Vermont. Total Electoral Votes: 3

More as it comes.


E-Day!

OK, sorry for the late start, but one must sustain one's appearance in the real world as well. Alright, let's get down to it: Exit polling friend or foe? Nah, we're just gonna feed you numbers until you cry.

FL Kerry up 4
OH Kerry up 5
MI Kerry up 4
PA Kerry up 16
IA Kerry up 2
WI Kerry up 5
MN Kerry up 15
NV Bush up 1
NM tied at 49
CO Bush up 1
VA Bush up 1
NC Bush up 5

BREAKING!
BREAKING!

NEW JERSEY IS GONNA CALL IT!
According to recent exit polls (we all know how reliable they are) my homestate of NJ is going to decide this election! Currently, the electoral vote count is

Kerry- 262
Bush- 261

New Jersey's 15 would send either one over the top. As we speak, though, NJ is tied 49-49 with 1% going Nader. Um, folks just to remind you: This year we got electronic voting machines in, and, uh... yea, this is gonna be a few days. Looks like NJ is going to be the next Florida. You heard it here first.
More as it comes.

-Current Electoral Vote

11/01/2004

The Eve

This is it! The months of endorsment counting, position adjusting, opponent bashing, and baby kissing have come to an end! Tommorow the fate of the country will be decided. After the recounts and court cases are over, I'm sure we'll be told who actually won. My prediction? The lawyers.

1 Day 'til E-Day!