Representation Through Humiliation

11/04/2004

Translating the Bushspeak

We know the man isn't very clear with his speeches, so we decided to translate what he said to what he meant:

"We had a long night ... and a great night. The voters turned out in record numbers and delivered an historic victory."

Translation: "Our guys had a lot of ballots to tear up last night."

"Earlier today, Senator Kerry called with his congratulations. We had a really good phone call. He was very gracious. Senator Kerry waged a spirited campaign, and he and his supporters can be proud of their efforts."

Translation: "I can't beleive we won against this guy!"

"Laura and I wish Senator Kerry and Teresa and their whole family all our best wishes."

Translation: "Awww, screw 'em."

"America has spoken, and I'm humbled by the trust and the confidence of my fellow citizens."

Translation: "A couple of you down there in Florida actually voted for me this time, huh?"

"With that trust comes a duty to serve all Americans. And i will do my best o fulfill that duty every day as your President."

Translation: "It seems there are certain duties I have with this job... Go figure.

"There are many people to thank and my family comes first. Laura is the love of my life. I'm glad you love her too."

Translation: "Everybody loves Laura now, right?!?"

"I want to thank our daughters who joined their dad for his last campaign. I appreciate the hard work of my sister and brothers. I especially want to thank my parents for their loving support. I'm grateful to the vice president and Lynne and their daughters who have worked so hard and been such a vital part of our team."

Translation: "For everyone who told me that being myself was not neccesarily what I wanted to do in this race, thank you."

"The vice president serves America with wisdom and honor and I'm proud to serve beside him."

Translation: "Dick actually let me do this speech without a wire today."

"I want to thank my superb campaign team. I want to thank you all for your hard work. I was impressed every day by how hard and how skillful our team was. I want to thank Chairman Marc Racicot and the campaign manager, Ken Mehlman, the architect, Karl Rove. I want to thank Ed Gillespie for leading our party so well."

Translation: "Thank you, Karl Rove...and...uh, did I mention Karl Rove?

"I want to thank the thousands of our supporters across our country. I want to thank you for your hugs on the rope lines. I want thank you for your prayers on the rope lines. I want to thank you for your kind words on the rope lines."

Translation: "You guys did some crazy stuff on the rope lines."

"I want to thank you for everything you did to make the calls and to put up the signs, to talk to your neighbors and to get out the vote. And because you did the incredible work, we are celebrating today."

Translation: "We're celebrating. The general concensus is that we di all the hard work, but, hey, we'll throw you 'voters' a bone."

"There is an old saying: Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers; pray for powers equal to your tasks."

Translation: "It seems we're going to need more power. Or maybe more tasks?"
In four historic years, America has been given great tasks and faced them with strength and courage.

Translation: "Again with the tasks, who wrote this crap?"

"Our people have restored the vigor of this economy and shown resolve and patience in a new kind of war."

Translation: "Vigor is a fancy word, doncha think?"

"Our military has brought justice to the enemy and honor to America."

Translation: "It seems those guys vote too. Oops."

"Our nation has defended itself and served the freedom of all mankind."

Translation: "Although I was reading about goats at the time, it looks like you folks held up pretty well."

"I'm proud to lead such an amazing country, and I'm proud to lead it forward."

Translation: "If it seems like were moving backwards, it's only because we want yo show the full effect of moving forwards."

"Because we have done the hard work, we are entering a season of hope."

Translation: "Button up, it's chilly."

"We will continue our economic progress. We'll reform our outdated tax code."

Translation: "Tax breaks for...uh, SOME PEOPLE! YAY!"

"We'll strengthen the Social Security for the next generation."

Translation: "'What about the current generation?' you say? What about 'em?"

"We'll make public schools all they can be."

Translation: "When the wrecking ball comes in, we're going to ask everyone to duck."

"And we will uphold our deepest values of family and faith."

Translation: "Forget all that crap I said about gays being alright. It seems you people don't like 'em as much as I thought."

"We'll help the emerging democracies of Iraq and Afghanistan ... so they can grow in strength and defend their freedom."

Translation: "Iraqis defending freedom? I don't like the sound of that!"

"And then our service men and women will come home with the honor they have earned."

Translation: "By the time you guys come home, I won't be around to be mad at!"

"With good allies at our side, we will fight this war on terror with every resource of our national power so our children can live in freedom and in peace."

Translation: "I realize now that allies actually are OK in some cases. Like when I'm tired of invading foreign nations."

"Reaching these goals will require the broad support of Americans."

Translation: "Every one who doesn't agree with me is helping the terrorists!"

"So today I want to speak to every person who voted for my opponent."

Translation: "You can run, but you can't hide!"

"To make this nation stronger and better, I will need your support and I will work to earn it."

Translation: "Re-reading the job description, I saw that there was I line I missed about having to work."

"I will do all I can do to deserve your trust."

Translation: "If you don't trust me already, you're better off moving to Canada."

"A new term is a new opportunity to reach out to the whole nation."

Translation: "If everyone could just forget about the first term, that'd be great."

"We have one country, one Constitution, and one future that binds us."

Translation: "You have ONE option, and I'm it! Deal with it!"

"And when we come together and work together, there is no limit to the greatness of America."

Translation: "I'll be on the sofa couch if you folks need me."

"Let me close with a word for the people of the state of Texas. We have known each other the longest, and you started me on this journey. On the open plains of Texas, I first learned the character of our country: sturdy and honest, and as hopeful as the break of day. I will always be grateful to the good people of my state."

Translation: "Forget all about where I was born! I wear a cowboy hat and spit when I talk, isn't that good enough for you people?"

"And whatever the road that lies ahead, that road will take me home."

Translation: "Hold on tight! That road looks bumpy!"

"The campaign has ended, and the United States of America goes forward with confidence and faith. I see a great day coming for our country and I am eager for the work ahead."

Translation: "And it's gonna be hard work, too. Lest we forget!"

"God bless you and may God bless America."

Translation: "But no one else, God!"

-Bush's victory speech transcript