Representation Through Humiliation

2/28/2005

House Cleaning

Posting will be sporadic these next couple of days as I try to get a couple organized and whatnot. I did go see the Gates this weekend, which was very cool, and will try to have pictures up ASAP. Other than that, I'll be checking in when I can, and I can only hope that my presence will not be missed too much.

Lebanon Government Resigns

In another nugget of extremely riveting news, Lebanon's "pro-Syrian" administration stepped down this morning amidst calls of unfair play by a few thousand protestors reminiscent of the Yushchenko days.

The U.S. in general seems quite happy that democracy will soon be spreading to Lebanon, a country that has not had a Democratic election in recent memory, and who may or may not be harboring sympathisers to a neighboring country that may or may not be harboring induviduals who-in some circles-tend to be regarded as that of a terrorist nature. That evidence seems solid enough to me!

And to even further spoil our mood of rightousness, the damn Lebanese government decided that, in fact, it has been holding Democratic elections every four years for quite some time now. Alas, in a world of do-gooders who will we liberate?

CNN story

Cross Posted at BNN

2/25/2005

Exactly What Kind of Gay Are We Talking About?




Apparently cartoon homosexuals are alot more interesting than actual homosexuals. Even if the homosexual in question is a conservative prostitute who infiltrated the WH press corps.

2/24/2005

The Luntz Playbook

Ah, The Luntz Playbook, a wonderful collection of strategies employed by the GOP to win elections. Our only question is, who will be the Xs, and who will be the Os?

-dKos story

A Voice of the New Media

Care to read Jeff Gannon's new blog? I stumbled upon this gem by way of AMERICAblog

Here's our first-impression analysis:

The header? Laughable at best. The blog is aptly titled "Jeff Gannon: A Voice of the New Media." Listen bub, if this "new media" is the one where prostitutes glorify themselves to the status of "journalist", we're not interested.

His tagline is "So feared by the Left it had to take me down". [wipes away tears of laughter.] Nope, I think you pretty much brought that upon yourself, didn't ya?

In his profile, he claims he is "baaaaaaack!" And states that "Despite all the pleas from the Left to go over to the 'dark side' and expose the 'corrupt Bush administration' simply isn't going to happen." I'm not sure those were "pleas" so much as detailed evidence tying you to some, ahem, illegal activities.

As for his content, he seems very content with blogging about, um, himself. More specifically, the press coverage of him and his recent career-crushing fiasco.

(Cross posted at BNN)

Grafik Dynamo!

If you visit one awesomely-cool website this year, let it be this one! Grafik Dynamo! combines images taken from blog feeds and combines them with random phrases to make a living comic strip.

(The best one I've seen so far is a picture of strawberries with the caption "I'm surrounded by cynics!")

Dear Mr. President, [part 3]

Reporting on my ongoing hunt for a WH press pass...


Tue, 22 Feb 2005 00:05:17 -0500 (EST)
To: Daily Fy
From: president wrote:

Thank you for e-mailing President Bush. Your ideas and comments are very
important to him.

Um, okay...

Because of the large volume of e-mail received, the President cannot
personally respond to each message. However, the White House staff
considers and reports citizen ideas and concerns.

Pshhhh! What?!? What's he doing that's so important?

In addition to President@WhiteHouse.gov, we have developed White House Web
Mail, an automated e-mail response system. Please access
http://www.whitehouse.gov/webmail to submit comments on a specific issue.

Additionally, we welcome you to visit our website for the most up-to-date
information on current events and topics of interest to you.

Good to know, now where's by press pass?

2/22/2005

Free Mojtaba and Arash Day

First post in the day long event focusing on Mojtaba Saminejad and Arash Sigarchi.

Mojtaba Saminejad
Saminejad was released on 27 January after almost three months in Iranian prison. He has been charged by the Tehran prosecutor's office and is due to be tried in the coming months. It is undetermined what crime has been alleged and what bail, if any, he has had to pay. But know that he has done nothing wrong other than express his opinions in a subtle, nonviolent manner.


Arash Sigarchi
Sigarchi was arrested on January 17, after being summoned to the intelligence ministry in the city of Rashat, Iran. He has been held at Rashat's Lakan Prison where he has been denied the right to see a lawyer and bail has been set at 200 million rials (about $25,000 U.S.). The authorities have also put pressure on his mother to deny that her son has been arrested.

His weblog had been banned by authorities in Iran for speaking out against recent arrests of bloggers and is inaccessible within the country. In addition to his blog, he is the editor of the daily Gylan Emroz.

On August 27, 2004 he was imprisoned for several days for an article, illustrated with photographs, of a rally in Tehran by families of prisoners who were executed in 1989.

Nearly 20 Iranian bloggers and cyberjournalists have been arrested over the past three months in a crackdown against the online press. Apart from Sigarchi, another weblogger.

At the start of January, Tehran's prosecutor-general, Said Mortazavi, ordered Internet Service Providers to block the main weblog services - Orkut, Nedstat, Blogspot, Persianblog, Blogrolling and others. Iranian Internet-users are now almost entirely cut off from the blogsphere.

Please join us in condemning this continued oppression by the Iranian government and in calling on those countries taking part in the World Summit on the Information Society to officially condemn these repeated breaches of freedom of expression. Iran is due to send a delegation to the upcoming preparatory meeting in Geneva next month.



Contact
If you are in the United States, contact either the Representative at the Iranian Interest Section of the Pakistani Embassy or the Ambassador to Iran’s Permanent Mission to the United Nations. (Iran has no embassy in the United States.) Here is the contact information.

Dr. Mohammad Javad Zarif
Ambassador and Permanent Representative to the Permanent Mission of the Islamic Republic of Iran
622 Third Ave. New York, NY 10017
Tel: (212) 687-2020 / Fax: (212) 867-7086
E-mail: Email the ambassador

Iranian Representative
Embassy of Pakistan
Interests Section of the Islamic Republic of Iran
2209 Wisconsin Avenue, N.W.Washington, D.C. 20007
Email the Interests Section

If you are outside the U.S., you can contact either the Permanent Representative to the United Nations or the Iranian ambassador in your own country.

In your letter, you should be respectful (remember you are writing to a diplomat, not a fellow blogger.) Make reference to Article 19 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. Iran is acting in defiance of this global standard. And write often! Keep on top of these stories and let your voices be heard. Keep the pressure on.

Sample Letter
(Remember: This letter is just a sample! The more personal your letter, the more effective it wil be.)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Dr. Mohammad Javad Zarif,

I am a concerned blogger writing to you, the Ambassador and Permanent Representative to the Permanent Mission of the Islamic Republic of Iran, in response to the Iranian government's recent decision to begin jailing bloggers who expressed disagreement with their policies. I was appalled to hear that two bloggers in specific, Mojtaba Saminejad and Arash Sigarchi, are currently being tortured in Iranian prisons. I'm sure you are aware that this is against the global standard set by Article 19 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. Every human being is entitled to his or her own opinions, and location or political persuasion should have no effect on those, the most basic of human rights. I'm calling on you to speak up and end this madness immediately. How many more journalists will be tortured before something is done about it? Your actions will decide. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
GreenEggs,
Proprietor of Daily Fry (http://dailyfry.blogspot.com/)
---------------------------------------------------------------------

The contents of this post (with the exception of my sample letter) are lifted almost directly from the Commitee to Protect Bloggers' website. It is done so in hopes that their extremely comprhensive information will reach more people. Original posts and more links are to follow.


2/21/2005

The Rove-Memogate Connection

Yesterday:
Congressman Maurice (*chuckle chuckle* Maurice>) Hinchey hosted a community forum in Ithica, NY and accused Karl Rove of planting the false Alabama National Guard memos that eventually caused CBS's Dan Rather to resign.

Today:
The Blogosphere is in an uproar over the Congressman's unfounded claims, and we couldn't help but join in the fun. GOD DAMN THAT CONGRESSMAN FOR EXPRESSING HIS PERSONAL OPINIONS IN A PUBLIC FORUM! WHAT NERVE HATH HE FOR GIVING EVERYONE SOMETHING TO PREOCCUPY THEMSELVES IN AN OTHERWISE CONSPIRACY-FREE NEWS WEEK. WHAT HAS THIS COUNTRY COME TO WHEN ONE MAN CAN CREATE [at this point we run out of breath and begin to pant and cough] A COMMOTION OVER SOMETHING AS OBSCURE AS KARL ROVE DOING SOMETHING WRONG! [we faint.]

-LGF story

Patty Comes Out of the Animated Closet

Both The New York Times and the Star-Tribune are covering he Simpson's coming-out episode that aired last night. Will have a torrent up ASAP.

BNN Recruiting Drive

Join Blogger News

It's fun. It's cool. It's new. It's desperately in need of more lefty bloggers. Join, kay?

Wead: The Tapes Were For History

Doug Wead, a former friend of the Bushes, secretly recorded nine hours of conversations with then-governor George W. Bush. He claims he had never wanted the tapes to become public, but only intended to accurately represent a man who would one day become the leader of the Free World.
“I didn’t do it for the money, Wead said in an Good Morning America interview, “I didn’t do it to sell books.”
Right. That was just a nice kickback.
As to the questions of Bush’s drug use, Wead said “He brought the subject up often” in the interviews.
On a more ribald side, Bush mocked Al Gore for admitting his marijuana use and stated that Dan Quayle had “gone ugly on me, man.”
The White House’s response has been very vague. “These were casual conversations with someone [the president] considered a friend.” said a WH spokesman.

(Cross posted at BNN)

2/20/2005

Roundup: The Fence Mending Edition

Hey, it's been a slow news week, a think we're allowed another roundup...

-Bush goes to Europe to mend/tie/heal/regurgitate fences/wounds/ties/pretty pink ribbons. -ABC
-Opposition is just more fun. -dKos
-It's the language or the kids. -Alas
-Of course he smoked pot! Have you listened to him recently? -Rueters
-Open Source
Libertarianism. -FoF
-The Gates: Still there. Still being hyped. -SanD U-T
-Gorilla nipple fetish rages on. -ABC

Dear Mr. President, [part 2]

Reporting on my ongoing hunt for a WH press pass...

Sun, 20 Feb 2005 11:18:38 -0800 (PST)
To: Daily Fry
From: Mail Delivery Subsystem

Delivery to the following recipient has been delayed:

president@whitehouse.gov

Message will be retried for 2 more day(s)

Technical details of temporary failure:
TEMP_FAILURE: SMTP Error (state 9): 451 4.3.2 Please try again later



Hmmm. It seems that they're getting more requests for press passes than ever.

The Corruption of Sidekicks

A recent hack of Paris Hilton's T-Mobile Sidekick address book revealed private phone numbers and email addresses of celebrities ranging from Lindsay Lohan to Eminem. These numbers were then released on to the internet. The incident is being investigated by the FBI and many of the stars are outraged at Paris for storing their information on her Sidekick. The Fry is currently in the proccess of locating this information.


-Drudge flash


(Cross posted at BNN)

2/19/2005

Dear Mr. President,

Earlier today, I sent an email to George W. Bush as to how I could aquire a WH press pass:

Sat, 19 Feb 2005 13:18:32 -0500
To: president
From: Daily Fry

Greetings,

I am GreenEggs with the news website DailyFry.blogspot.com and am
interested in obtaining a White House Press Pass for the year 2005.
How easy would it be for me to get a press pass? Would I have to use
my real name? I maintain several gay porn sites... would that be a
problem? I would very much enjoy lobbing softball questions at the
President within the comfort of the White House press room. Please
e-mail me with more details. Thank you for your time.


Now we wait...

Pimp My Pez Dispenser


We're just full of wacky pics today, aren't we?

-Boing Boing story

W: Manlier Than Ever!


This poster was on slae at the Conservative Political Action Conference. Can you say "distorted sense of reality"?

Thanks to Salon for the image.

2/18/2005

NBA Issues New Behavioral Guidelines

While basketball in itself may be somewhat entertaining, what's more fun than watching a six foot four jock beat the crap out of drunken bystanders? Unfortunately, these sporadic doses of glee will be coming less frequently now that the NBA has issued new security and alcohol guidelines. Alcohol sales will be banned after the start of the fourth quarter, drink sizes will be limited to 24 ounces, and fans may not purchase more than two drinks at a time.
Also, they are putting into effect a "Fan Code of Conduct." Kind of like an "honor code," but with this one, they seem to be expecting people to listen. These guidelines for fan behavior will be displayed "prominently" in all of the stadiums (i.e. behind the beer stand, to the left.)
How will they manage to make basketball exciting without alcohol-induced brawling? How will the fans sustain themselves in the last quarter of the game with no booze? These are the questions we must ask ourselves in this time of despair.

-KRT Wire

(Cross posted at BNN)

2/17/2005

Roundup: The Intelligence Edition

-Bush nominates new Intelligence Chief. (Intelligence sold seperately.) -WaPo
-Hockey fans weep as those around them point and laugh. -ESPN
-Gannon is the second shooter on the grassy knoll. -dKos
-Kyoto Protocool remains on Bush's desk. Somewhere between Tom Wolfe's latest and Gannon's press pass. -BBC
-As if bloggers weren't considered geeky enough, now we're playing virtual chess. -OSpolitics

McClellan's Response to GG

Paraphrasing from memory:

"Many other people in that room had known opinions. Many other people in that room worked for a politcally biased news source..."

But how many other people in that room were gay prostitutes selling their bodies over the internet?

2/16/2005

Do You Care About Your Brain?

'Cause if you did, you'd know the correct way to package a cranium.

"Pi$$3d Off About Something"

I laughed. I cried. I fell asleep halfway, woke up and had to start all over again. Whatever your reaction may be, Skip's comment at Propaganda Machine is worth checking out. Even just for kicks. And if that didn't convince you to spend the trouble clicking on the above link, I've reprinted the entire thing below, so you have no excuse.

InvadeSoda asked: "In the farthest reaches of your imagination, can you envision the United States one day having a strong two-party system without the Democratic party being one of the two parties? Or is that just wishful thinking on my part?"

Skip replied: "I can see the Democratic party continuing it's slide further and further to the left until it becomes the party of socialist, vegan, enviro-homosexuals with a pro-abortion/anti-fur agenda.

That would clear the way for the Blue Collar Pro-Union Joe six pack, Catholic who doesn't go to church to start their own party, and team up with the pregnant divorced mothers of five to form a "Labor" party (pun fully intended).

The only thing that unites Democrats is that they are Pi$$3d off about something. But seriously, if they would drop the freaks, and focus on labor and socioeconomics instead of fringe politics they might be getting somewhere.

Unfortunately The "Brand" Democrat will probably continue on, and they will swing whichever way the wind blows without a firm hand or rudder to guide the ship, or a moral compass to tell it where it's going"

2/15/2005

BNN

Dragged myself out of my disease-induced slumber to tell everyone thatmany of my posts will be cross-posted at BNN, a new "online newspaper" type of thing for bloggers, by bloggers. It's a great idea, and since yours truly is the new humor section columnist, I highly suggest you check it out. Back to sleep...

Light Posting Today and Tomorrow

Due to my self-diagnosed bronchitus...

2/14/2005

Happy Valentine's Day



AMERICAblog

Here it is.

Blogger News

This looks fun. Check it out.

A Win for the Blogosphere

(I hope.) AMERICAblog has been hyping their upcoming (as in TODAY) expose on Gannon-gate. I've been refreshing the page for the last hour and will let you know as soon as it's released. In the meantime, I suggest heading over there yourselves and taking part in the hilarious conspiracy theories circulating in the comments section.

2/13/2005

Roundup: Pyro Edition

  1. Iran: "Fire baaaaad!" -Al Jazeera
  2. A small country in the Middle East elects a Parliament amid a resounding chorus of "Who Cares?" -CNN (waitwaitwait: The CNN? Tee-hee!)
  3. Painting the city orange for V-Day -Christian Science Moniter
  4. Deep Throat: The Over-Analyzation of Porn -Slate
  5. Naming a child was never more obsessive -Baby Name Wizard
  6. Napster is to milk what iTunes is to wine. -Boing Boing

Eason Jordan sez "Don't Call the Military Media Killers Kids!"

Eason Jordan announced his resignation Friday (yea... we were reporting, um, other news at that time...).

Apparently, he said something about someone's mother that earned him a stern talking to by the folks at CNN. It also appears he said something along the lines of: "The U.S. Military is hunting down journalists, killing them, and stealing their pocket flashlights." This apparently was not true.

Will keep you updated if anything new comes onto the table. (Unlikely, yes. But doesn't it feel reassuring that we got your collective backs on 1 out of 7 major news stories?)

2/12/2005

The Doctor is In


Contribution amount:
$






Help Dean turn the Dems around. Not convinced? Read his acceptance speech.

2/11/2005

D'OH!

ABC News' Good Morning America reported this morning that a "good samaritan" had reported an arguing couple "tossing an hours-old infant out the window." In truth, that "good samaritan was the infant's mother who fabricated the entire story on her way to a firehouse where she planned to leave her baby. Only after several witnesses disproved her story did she own up to it. Smoooooth.
-CNN story

Debate?

Since it seems as though we're getting more and more traffic, I've been thiniing of enlisting a few of you to debate an issue of your choice on AIM. (Me being the moderator.) Let me know what you think of this idea. Afterall, a debate sort of requires participation... Thanks.

2/10/2005

A Filthy Dirty Plan Devised to Move Me Up In The Ranks Of The TLB Ecosystem

Cover your eyes, children!


Daily Fry Daily Fry Daily Fry Daily Fry Daily Fry Daily Fry Daily Fry
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"Uniquely American"

This Tuesday the President was confronted at one of his Hooray-for-Privatization-of-Socail-Security rallies by a single mother of three who told the President that she had to work three jobs just to feed her kids. Bush supported her, calling her plight "Uniquely American." But deep down inside, he was cursing her for contributing to the unemployment issue.

-Drudge story

Gizoogle

Gizoogle - Fo all you beotches who wanna find shiznit

It's Google... for the dawgs from the hood and/or ghetto. I'm da bomb! Uh... yo?

Gannon (or is it Guckert?) -gate

If anything deserves a "gate", it's this story:

Jeff Gannon, a journalist oft-seen in the White House Press Corps asking the soft questions, is actually JD Guckert, a VERY conservative pseudo-journalist. The crazy thing is, this guy held a WH Press badge for 2 and a half years, and they never figured out he wasn't real until just now. He literally sat just feet away from the President of the United States of America while IN THE WHITE HOUSE without anyone knowing who he actually was.

Scary? Sure. But it gives all of us wanna-be-in-the-know bloggers a speck of hope.

To my understanding, AMERICAblog has the best coverage of this ongoing story, and really dug deep into this guy's life to make the connection (frat meeting transcripts, email lists, the whole shazam.)

However, Stop The Internet has boiled this story down into a bite-sized wisdom nugget for easy digestion. I reccomend going there for more info first.

(Cross posted at BNN)

2/09/2005

More Than One Way to Make a Nuke

Did you know? The Powers That Be in the Senate (the Republicans) are considering the implementation of a rarely-used procedure lovingly nicknamed "The Nuclear Option." This would block all philibusters during the questioning and approval of judicial nominees, requiring a 51% majority, as opposed to 60%. This would mean the reigning party (the Republicans again.) would be able to put through all of their favored judicial nominees to serve in lifetime sentences, without the Democrats' consent.

Well, now you know...



-Common Cause story

- Sign the Petition to Prevent the "Nuclear Option"

2/08/2005

ESUVEE

A very well designed site on SUV safety.

(Seriously, even if you don't own an SUV, you should still check it out real quick. It's cool, I promise.)

More on The Bowl

An in-depth review of all the Superbowl ads (from AdJab)

See? People other than myself are similarly obsessed!

Canada Doesn't Need This

A Canadian Parliament bill to completely legalize same-sex marraige is currently too close to call. But not to fear! To make absolutely positive no homosexual in this world can experience the benefits of matrimony, our U.S.-based right-wingers have donated significant money to those in Canada struggling to ban same-sex marriage.

You've gotta respect the dedication it takes to fend off those pesky homos. Afterall, it's been a rough couple'a weeks for the Conservatives, what with Spongebob promoting love and respect, and that damn Buster DARING to visit the home of a lesbian couple! And now this!

-Kos story

-Canadian Reaction to U.S. "aid"
-National Post story
-Canadians for Equal Marraige

Template: ON

Alright, the template's back! Turns out it was a dangling piece of code that threw a wrench in the works. Thank you RedRyder, for the tremendous help!

Template Troubles...

I've been having some serious template troubles these last few days as you can probably see from the state of my blog. It should be back on track soon, though, so fingers crossed!

2/07/2005

Coffee for Commerce

This idea originated on The Truth Laid Bear, and I've decided to ping it. He's compiled a list of products that come from (and therefore who's sale benefits) the regions most affected by the tsunami. Check it out and get a-buying!

Airport Security Loopholes (from Boing Boing)

I found this story over at Boing Boing and it definitely piqued my interest:

Boing Boing: A Directory of Wonderful Things: "Andy Bowers over at Slate has hit upon something that has been bugging me for a long time: online check-in for airplane flights and the ability for anyone to print a boarding pass with whatever name they want on the front. Here's how the flaw works:

1. John Evildoer purchases a ticket for a flight under a false name (using a stolen credit card naturally) and on the day of the trip, prints his boarding pass online with the airline's online checkin service.
2. Mr. Evildoer then fires up his trusty image editor and changes the name in his HTML boarding pass to his real name.
3. When he goes through security screening at the airport, he shows the second boarding pass (the one with his true name) and his real ID. The name on the boarding pass and the ID match, so he is admitted. At this point, the no-fly list or other watchlists are not checked.
4. When he goes to board the flight, he hands the gate agent his first boarding pass (with the fake name). The pass is real, so the barcode scan detects no problems, but since no ID is required at the gate, there is no actual confirmation that he traveled under his real name. If John Evildoer were on the no-fly list, the TSA never would have known."

(This work protected under a Creative Commons License

Watch for the Ads, Sleep Through the Game

That being my SuperBowl-viewing philosophy, it should come as no surprise that when I found that I could watch all the commercials (and the banned ones, too) online, I was ecstatic. I reccomend highly the Ameriquest and FedEx commercials...

2/06/2005

Super Bowl (starring Jesus)

Usually, the Super Bowl is a time for parties, drinking, football, drinking, big-screen TVs, and drinking. This year it's a time for Jesus. Baptist minister David Garrett — who heads the Jacksonville Baptist Association's Super Bowl Ministry (Go figure.)

It seems the group's volunteers hope to influence the halftime show to stay clean this year. "Just by us being here, maybe we can set a positive example and change what happened last year," said Jennifer Eliot, one of the volunteers.

I'm doubting it.

-ABC News story

2/05/2005

Wardrobe Malfunction



What with Paul McCartney expected to deliver a somewhat -ahem- tamer halftime show this year, we've settled on a more interesting scenario.

Help wanted at The Fry

I've been throwing an idea around in my head (huh, that's a new one.). How would some of you like to become contributors to Daily Fry? Not full-time partners or whatever. Just casual contributors.

I'm interested in doing a weekly "newspaper roundup" type of thing. (Kind of like at Slate, but more satirical.) I'd love to do this myself, but don't have the time to read a ton of newspapers a week. I think if several people with subscriptions to different papers are interested, they can all review whatever paper they read.

Also, I'm interested in getting people from different parts of the world (or country) to post on the news and government happenings taking place in their area.

The reward for this would be linkage with every post you do, a link to your blog in the sidebar, and your blogger profile in the sidebar under the heading "contributors." I'd have to see a sample of your writing (preferably humorous, of course) before I give you the OK GO. But I have extremely low standards. If it's funny, you're in. So, if anyone's interested please comment to this post, leaving your email and URL. Thanks for your help.

2/04/2005

Roundup: Election '05 Edition

2/03/2005

State of the Union

It's the only time of the year when our Commander in Chief tells us things we should have already noticed.

Let's analyze...

Bush says... With more Americans going back to work...

We say... After the greatest job loss in history. Right. Go on.

Bush says... America's economy is the fastest growing of any major industrialized nation.

We say... Of course, China, India, and all the rest don't count...

Bush says... In the past four years we've... prosecuted corperate criminals.

We say... And in the process lost a beloved CEO. This one's for you Ken...

Bush says... In the last year alone the United States has added 2.3 million new jobs.

We say... 3 million minus 2.3 million...carry the three... Uh excuse me Mr. President?

Bush says... By making our economy more flexible, more innovative, and more competitive, we will keep America the economic leader of the world.

We say... Flexible, but SOLID! Always solid!

Bush says... America's prosperity requires restraining the spending appetite of the federal government.

We say... And I'd like to take this oppurtunity to inform the media that we have plenty of positions still available in our ongoing Propaganda Initiative.

Bush says... My budget substantially reduces or eliminates more than 150 government programs that are not getting results or duplicate current efforts or do not fulfill essential priorities.

We say... Say goodbye to everything without "security" in its name.

Bush says... Now we must demand better results from our high schools so every high school diploma is a ticket to success.

We say... A ticket to college, thereby a ticket to frat parties, thereby a ticket to his job. Just think of the possibilities!

Bush says... Four years of debate is enough.

We say... Nuh-uh. We want to seem some more faces!

Bush says... I urge Congress to pass legislation that makes america more secure and less dependent on foreign.

We say... Less wars for foreign oil = higher approval rating... he finally gets it!

Bush says... You and I will work together to give this nation a tax code that is pro-growth, easy to understand and fair to all.

We say... Pro-growth... as opposed to anti-growth?

Bush says... The system, however, on its current path, is headed toward bankruptcy, and so we must join together to strengthen and save Social Security.

We say... "Strengthen"... isn't that Bushspeak for "throw money at it?"

Bush says... I have a message for every American who is 55 or older: Do not let anyone mislead you. For you, the Social Security system will not change in any way. (Applause.)

We say... So he gets applause when he says it won't change... I'm sensing a trend here...

Bush says... For younger workers, the Social Security system has serious problems that will grow worse with time.

We say... Such as right-wingers struggling to heave debt into their laps?

Bush says... During the 1990s, my predecessor, President Clinton, spoke of increasing the retirement age. Former Senator John Breaux suggested discouraging early collection of Social Security benefits. The late Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan recommended changing the way benefits are calculated.

We say... In other words: "Ha! Screw that! It's my way or the highway!"

Bush says... I will listen to anyone who has a good idea to offer. (Cheers, applause.)

We say... Hooray for good ideas!

Bush says... Because marriage is a sacred institution and the foundation of society, it should not be redefined by activist judges.

We say: Right, it should be redefined by him!

Bush says... Because a society is measured by how it treats the weak and vulnerable, we must strive to build a culture of life.

We say... But no gays! Culture: yes. Gays: no.

Bush says... In America, we must make doubly sure no person is held to account for a crime he or she did not commit.

We say... Nono... triply sure!

Bush says... In the three and a half years since September 11th, 2001, we've taken unprecedented actions to protect Americans.

We say... By invading countries that had nothing to do with it.

Bush says... We've created a new department of government to defend our homeland.

We say... And given it absolutely no power.

Bush says... Police and firefighters, air marshals, researchers and so many others are working every day to make our homeland safer, and we thank them all. (Extended applause.)

We say... Cue national anthem.

Bush says...Our nation, working with allies and friends, has also confronted the enemy abroad, with measures that are determined, successful and continuing.

We say... Not just allies, but friends as well!

Bush says... There are still governments that sponsor and harbor terrorists, but their number has declined.

We say... Um, sir? We're checking the map now and it would appear... not.

Bush says... During this time of war, we must continue to support our military and give them the tools for victory. (Applause.)

We say... Armor? Pshh! Who needs armor?

Bush says... Other nations around the globe have stood with us.

We say... Thank God for Poland!

Bush says...The United States has no right, no desire and no intention to impose our form of government on anyone else.

We say... Yes, only to make absolutely certain that they choose our form of government.

Bush says... Thank you, and may God bless America.

We say... Amen.

2/02/2005

Odds on the State of the Union

A break from hiatus to comment on the most overated event in the history of America, the time of the year when millions of americans sit down in front of the TV and listen to their President tell them things they should have already noticed. That's right: it's the State of the Union. and Pandagon' posted some odds on the strange events that may or may not be occuring tonight:

Over/under on standing ovations (partial or full): 98.
O/U on GOP-only standing ovations: 11.
O/U on uses of the phrase "personal accounts": 13.
O/U on "private accounts": 2, both slips.
O/U on "freedom": 23.
O/U on "liberty": 18.
O/U on number of times camera shows Bill Frist picking his teeth with a scalpel: 1.
O/U on number of times the Fox post-speech show mentions something Hillary did: 24.
O/U on number of times Bush mentions the phrase "spending freeze": 5.
O/U on number of times someone stands up and yells "Bullshit!": 0.
O/U on number of times someone should: 196.5.