Representation Through Humiliation

2/18/2005

NBA Issues New Behavioral Guidelines

While basketball in itself may be somewhat entertaining, what's more fun than watching a six foot four jock beat the crap out of drunken bystanders? Unfortunately, these sporadic doses of glee will be coming less frequently now that the NBA has issued new security and alcohol guidelines. Alcohol sales will be banned after the start of the fourth quarter, drink sizes will be limited to 24 ounces, and fans may not purchase more than two drinks at a time.
Also, they are putting into effect a "Fan Code of Conduct." Kind of like an "honor code," but with this one, they seem to be expecting people to listen. These guidelines for fan behavior will be displayed "prominently" in all of the stadiums (i.e. behind the beer stand, to the left.)
How will they manage to make basketball exciting without alcohol-induced brawling? How will the fans sustain themselves in the last quarter of the game with no booze? These are the questions we must ask ourselves in this time of despair.

-KRT Wire

(Cross posted at BNN)