Representation Through Humiliation

2/03/2005

State of the Union

It's the only time of the year when our Commander in Chief tells us things we should have already noticed.

Let's analyze...

Bush says... With more Americans going back to work...

We say... After the greatest job loss in history. Right. Go on.

Bush says... America's economy is the fastest growing of any major industrialized nation.

We say... Of course, China, India, and all the rest don't count...

Bush says... In the past four years we've... prosecuted corperate criminals.

We say... And in the process lost a beloved CEO. This one's for you Ken...

Bush says... In the last year alone the United States has added 2.3 million new jobs.

We say... 3 million minus 2.3 million...carry the three... Uh excuse me Mr. President?

Bush says... By making our economy more flexible, more innovative, and more competitive, we will keep America the economic leader of the world.

We say... Flexible, but SOLID! Always solid!

Bush says... America's prosperity requires restraining the spending appetite of the federal government.

We say... And I'd like to take this oppurtunity to inform the media that we have plenty of positions still available in our ongoing Propaganda Initiative.

Bush says... My budget substantially reduces or eliminates more than 150 government programs that are not getting results or duplicate current efforts or do not fulfill essential priorities.

We say... Say goodbye to everything without "security" in its name.

Bush says... Now we must demand better results from our high schools so every high school diploma is a ticket to success.

We say... A ticket to college, thereby a ticket to frat parties, thereby a ticket to his job. Just think of the possibilities!

Bush says... Four years of debate is enough.

We say... Nuh-uh. We want to seem some more faces!

Bush says... I urge Congress to pass legislation that makes america more secure and less dependent on foreign.

We say... Less wars for foreign oil = higher approval rating... he finally gets it!

Bush says... You and I will work together to give this nation a tax code that is pro-growth, easy to understand and fair to all.

We say... Pro-growth... as opposed to anti-growth?

Bush says... The system, however, on its current path, is headed toward bankruptcy, and so we must join together to strengthen and save Social Security.

We say... "Strengthen"... isn't that Bushspeak for "throw money at it?"

Bush says... I have a message for every American who is 55 or older: Do not let anyone mislead you. For you, the Social Security system will not change in any way. (Applause.)

We say... So he gets applause when he says it won't change... I'm sensing a trend here...

Bush says... For younger workers, the Social Security system has serious problems that will grow worse with time.

We say... Such as right-wingers struggling to heave debt into their laps?

Bush says... During the 1990s, my predecessor, President Clinton, spoke of increasing the retirement age. Former Senator John Breaux suggested discouraging early collection of Social Security benefits. The late Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan recommended changing the way benefits are calculated.

We say... In other words: "Ha! Screw that! It's my way or the highway!"

Bush says... I will listen to anyone who has a good idea to offer. (Cheers, applause.)

We say... Hooray for good ideas!

Bush says... Because marriage is a sacred institution and the foundation of society, it should not be redefined by activist judges.

We say: Right, it should be redefined by him!

Bush says... Because a society is measured by how it treats the weak and vulnerable, we must strive to build a culture of life.

We say... But no gays! Culture: yes. Gays: no.

Bush says... In America, we must make doubly sure no person is held to account for a crime he or she did not commit.

We say... Nono... triply sure!

Bush says... In the three and a half years since September 11th, 2001, we've taken unprecedented actions to protect Americans.

We say... By invading countries that had nothing to do with it.

Bush says... We've created a new department of government to defend our homeland.

We say... And given it absolutely no power.

Bush says... Police and firefighters, air marshals, researchers and so many others are working every day to make our homeland safer, and we thank them all. (Extended applause.)

We say... Cue national anthem.

Bush says...Our nation, working with allies and friends, has also confronted the enemy abroad, with measures that are determined, successful and continuing.

We say... Not just allies, but friends as well!

Bush says... There are still governments that sponsor and harbor terrorists, but their number has declined.

We say... Um, sir? We're checking the map now and it would appear... not.

Bush says... During this time of war, we must continue to support our military and give them the tools for victory. (Applause.)

We say... Armor? Pshh! Who needs armor?

Bush says... Other nations around the globe have stood with us.

We say... Thank God for Poland!

Bush says...The United States has no right, no desire and no intention to impose our form of government on anyone else.

We say... Yes, only to make absolutely certain that they choose our form of government.

Bush says... Thank you, and may God bless America.

We say... Amen.