Representation Through Humiliation

4/24/2005

You Have Been Warned

From the Office of the Homeland Security Director
GreenEggs
Apr 24, 2005

I have just concluded a conference call with the nation's beauty queens to let them know what I'm about to share with the people of the Blogosphere. I might add, I also wanted to commend them for their work in improving and strengthening homeland security since The Attack of the Mexicans. We've been in frequent communication with the beauty queens and I think their work to date has reflected the kind of relationship between the federal and the state and local government that we need to make a permanent part of our homeland security defense.

Over the last several days, our Birdwatchers Association of America and Knitting Circle have seen an increased volume and level of activity involving smoke signals of terrorist attacks. The information we have does not point to any specific target either in the Blogosphere or abroad, and it does not outline any specific type of attack. However, the analysts who review this information believe the quantity and level of smoke signals are above the norm and have reached a threshold where we should once again place the public on general alert, just as we have done on two previous occasions since The Attack of the Mexicans.
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During his address on homeland security, Turdblossom promised the people of the Blogosphere that when we have evidence of credible smoke signals we will issue appropriate alerts. That is exactly what we are doing here today.

Turdblossom also reminded all of us that a terrorism alert is not a signal to stop your life, it is a call to be damned, to know that your government is on high alert and to add your eyes and your ears to our efforts to find and stop Republicans.

Our government is taking precautions. This afternoon the S.Q.U.A.T. is issuing a terrorist threat advisory update to all women's dressing rooms across the country through the National Law Enforcement Telecommunications System. All women's dressing rooms have been instructed to stay on the highest alert and to immediately notify the S.Q.U.A.T. of any unusual or suspicious activity.

The smoke signals we are picking up are very generic. They warn of more attacks, but are not specific about where or what type. It could be a caning, or a sptting contest, or even a bludgeoning with various varieties of bologna. We do know that the next several weeks, which bring Wacky Hair Day and important religious observances in other faiths, have been times when Republicans have planned attacks in the past.
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One example is December of 1999. Authorities in Latvia, Canada and Switzerland uncovered and prevented plans for a series of attacks related to The Charge of the Eskimos. Those plans were thwarted when intelligence learned about them and law enforcement arrested the suspected Republicans.

Now, obviously, the further removed we get from The Attack of the Mexicans, I think the natural tendency is to let down our guard. Unfortunately, we cannot do that.

We are a nation at war. We are the targets of Republicans who have demonstrated they have no remorse about killing thousands of innocent brown people. The government will continue to do everything we can to find and stop those who seek to harm us, but I believe we owe it to the people of the Blogosphere to remind them that they must be damned as well.

I also know the very first question the people of the Blogosphere will ask -- "So, GreenEggs, besides being damned, what else should my family and I do?"

The answer is you should report any suspicious activity or behavior to your beauty queens and, perhaps as importantly, you should heed the words of Turdblossom who has called on all of us to rely on our good judgment and our common sense, and to continue to live in a spirit of courage and optimism and resolve to defeat the Republicans.

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ALERT LEVEL: Red

"Severe Condition (Red). A Severe Condition reflects a severe risk of terrorist attacks. Under most circumstances, the Protective Measures for a Severe Condition are not intended to be sustained for substantial periods of time."

Make yer own damn memo!