Representation Through Humiliation

5/31/2005

'Deep Throat' got a 'Big Mouth'

I jest, I jest. W. Mark Felt has every right to be proud that he brought down the most courrupt administration in Amer-- oh... well, second most corrupt anyway.

Something I'm a little concerned about is his nickname, "Deep Throat"... I double-checked just to make sure, but he was actually named after the porn flick. Which leads you to believe Bob Woodward was extremely sex-crazed during this time period.

I am a little disappointed that the leak turned out not to be Diane Sawyer, because how funny would that have been? I mean really?

(Cross posted at BNN)

BlogRatingz

(Note: Shameless plug to follw...)

Rate the Fry at the new blog rating site, BlogRatingz.com, and while you're there, why not add your own blog?

On a more personal, and completely unrelated note, I recently started one of my rewards from BzzAgent "The Best Time to Do Everything" by Michael Kaplan, and am quite enjoying it. I feel kind of bad not doing the weekly book review anymore, so I thought I'd recommend this one to you.

Back to the scheduled programming.

Headline Scan: The Military Love Edition

Much of the headlines focus around Memorial day festivities as well as Bush's promise to "pursue peace" as a favor to the fallen. That's right. We'll pursue peace by waging war. Good idea, big guy.

But D'OH! It looks like we might of...accidently, mind you... captured a prominet Sunni leader and held him. -- Our... bad?

And the most important tidbit of the day (via NYP): Paris Hilton is marrying some guy named Paris, isn't that hilarious?

Three Cheers for Voinovich



Senator George Voinovich (R) recently delivered an extremely emotional speech on the Senate floor denouncing George bolton as the U.N. nominee. In this act of career suicide, most like, he presented most likely the most heartfelt take on the nomination we have seen thus far. And coming from a Republican, this is most remarkable.

So I applaud him for the obviously heartrending emotions he displayed in his brief speech which is most liley much to late to change any minds, but still one of the most complately heartfelt messages from a senator that we will ever see. I suggest watching it and checking out the discussion centering around the clip, and more specifically the 'intern' figure in the background at the ever-popular BAGNewsNotes.

Regarding the "Bolton & Blubberin'" caption on this screen capture taken from MSNBC's coverage: The best way to describe it would be in the words of Pepper on the BAG boards:

That goddam "blubberin'" title was sickening. Goddam bunch of feigning macho assholes, the media.
Well put.

5/30/2005

Happy Memorial Day

I'll take this opputunity to display the American flag in a completely unsarcastic way. I'll be damned if this isn't a first.

In all seriousness, please today think of the sacrifices the troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have been willing to give. Whether for the right reasons, or the wrong,we are over there and they are putting their lives on the line every day in hopes of protecting us. So thank you.


Aren't Search Engines Dandy?

You've got to wonder how dissappointed someone must've been when they Googled catwoman cheerleaders and got Daily Fry. I've grown quite upsessed with these search engine results lately, so do excuse any repetition.

5/28/2005

How to Cheat Death the FOX Way

via FOX News:

1. Use your instincts; if a situation appears suspicious, leave the scene.
"Leave the scene"- American for "run away."

2. Don't become complacent; never let your guard down, no matter where you travel.
Blue states aren't the only places people want to hurt you.

3. Don't rely solely on the government to provide you with crisis or threat information -- do your own research, too.
In fact, don't rely on the government. Period.

4. Have a plan on where/when to meet family members in case of attack; map assorted evacuation routes from home/work.
Yes. Notify all family members of the emergency plan. But leave the black sheep child out of the loop.

5. Keep extra copies of your passport/birth certificate/ Social Security cards, other records. Keep copies in storage or with relatives, friends. Carry copy of passport when traveling overseas.
If the whole world is destroyed in nuclear warfare, at least you'll have your birth certificate in Aunt Milly's steamer trunk.

6. Never check luggage at curbside check-in at airports; carry luggage on board with you, if possible; carry as few bags as possible.
Unless you yourself are a terrorist.

7. Spend as little time at the airport as possible; avoid heavily glassed areas.
Windows are Satan.

8. When flying, wear comfortable clothing and shoes in case you need to quickly evacuate.

Also, try not to wear white after Labor Day.

9. Try to fly on wide-body planes; terrorists often avoid hijacking them.
Whenever possible: walk to your destination.

10. When traveling abroad, don't advertise your corporate affiliation or title on luggage or other items.

Terrorists hate insurance salesmen.

11. When traveling overseas, stay in an American chain hotel; security is usually more stringent.
And God knows no one likes subtitles.

12. When in a foreign country, don't advertise that you're American by speaking loudly, holding up maps, exchanging currency at airports, showing American flags, etc…

In all other scenarios, show American flags wherever possible.

13. Try to avoid crowded areas, especially in large cities; avoid public transportation and major tunnels and bridges during heavy commuting times.
If at all possible, live your entire life in a bomb shelter 200 feet below ground. Never attempt contact with the outside world.

14. Never stay in a hotel with an underground parking garage and never park in such a garage -- terrorists love car bombs.

Terrosrists also love cheesecake. Avoid bakeries at all costs.

15. Stock "safe-haven" rooms in office and home with duct tape, plastic sheets, flashlight, food/water supply, first-aid kit, portable radio and cloth to fill gaps in doors so harmful agents don't seep in.
This procedure also helps when your mother-on-law is cooking dinner.

16. Store a decent amount of cash someplace in case ATMs malfunction.
Store a decent amount Cheetos there, too. Y'know, in case vending machines... aww, never mind.

17. Carefully inspect mail before opening; check for return address, postmark, excessive postage, etc…
If it's from MoveOn, burn it immediately.

18. Never take the first taxicab in line; hail a moving cab instead.
First is the worst, second is too, take the moving cab: it won't kill you.

19. If ever a hostage on a plane, never make eye contact with captors, speak unless spoken to, or do anything to bring attention to yourself; familiarize yourself with typical airline hijackings.
Practice makes perfect.

20. Know what to do in case of a biological, chemical or nuclear attack in terms of symptoms, decontamination, etc…
Hint: Windex.

21. Keep an eye out for unattended items when using mass transit or in airports.
If you see an unattended item, attempt to find its owner. If this is not possible, take the bag on the plane with you to try to locate the owner.

22. Only carry essential money cards and identification.
Too many credit cards in your wallet will weigh you down when you are attempting to run awa-- er, "leave the scene."

23. When traveling abroad, read local newspapers to pinpoint dangers there; check the State Department's travel advisories.

But always... always read the New York Post. Because if you're about to be bombed out of your skull, isn't it best to know who Brad Pitt is dating this week?

24. Pay attention to: surroundings; someone paying an usual amount of attention to a prominent landmark; someone nervous or jumpy or trying to access off-limit areas; someone trying to hide something.

Immediately report to the authorities anyone looking at a Natioanl Monument for more than a few seconds. If they start taking pictures, don't waste time: Tackle them yourself.

25. Make out a will and letter of instruction in case you die. Get fingerprinted, get your blood samples and obtain dental X-rays so your body can be identified in case you fall victim to attack.
Also, try your best to leave a good-looking corpse as a courtesy to the television-watching public.

26. Do not live or work in a highly urban area that most likely would be a terrorist's target, such as New York City, Washington, D.C., or San Francisco.

Terrorsits just loathe show tunes, politicians, and gays.

(Cross posted at BNN)

5/27/2005

Friday Random Ten

New MP3 player = New feature... In the fashion of Feministe and many others, it's FRIDAY RANDOM TEN!

1) Wild Rock Music -Smash
2) The Boxer -Fujikato
3) BitOBoss -Unknown (to me, anyway.)
4) Enron's Got the Power -DJ Twombly
5) I'm Comin' Down -Act of Dog
6) Take Your Mama Fighting -Toneblender
7) Stay With A Genie -GHP
8) Toxic Trent -Nathan Chase
9) Boulevard of Broken Songs -Party Ben
10) Big Rock Candy Mountain -Harry McClintock

(Links to *legal* downloads provided where available)

5/26/2005

Headline Scan: The "They're All Losers" Edition

Judging by the bold print in today's headlines, some people care that Carrie won American Idol last night. Just not me.

The big thing this year that had a lot of people tuning in (Well, it wasn't for the music, now was it?) was the Vote for the Worst campaign, but they forgot: "How do they decide who is the worse when they're all so bad?

Gigantic Catfish Caught



AP:
A record 124-pound blue catfish caught earlier this week by an Illinois man fishing in the Mississippi River died on its way to the Cabela's Outfitter store where it was to go on display.

Tim Pruitt, 33, of Godfrey, Ill., caught the world-record blue catfish early Sunday near Alton.

The fish, measuring 58 inches long and 44 inches around, was kept alive and was to be displayed in a tank at Cabela's in Kansas City, Kan., but it died en route to the store.

"We're baffled by this," Fred Cronin, a fisheries biologist for the Illinois Department of Natural Resources, told The Kansas City Star. "We took a lot of precautions to see that the fish was comfortable.

"But we're talking about a fish that was very old, very heavy," he said. "The stress of being transported like that could have been too much."


Death by redneck.
What a way to go.

5/24/2005

Headline Scan: The Progress Edition

Much hubbub today about the Senate actually doing something today by agreeing to preserve the filibuster rules and clearing the path for votes on three judicial nominees. Well, yahoo, but don't get your hopes up just yet centrists. Because, you see, the Senate hasn't really made any actual progress. Moreover, they've merely cleared out of the way a disagreement that had been disguising their lack of work as steps being taken to produce work. Unfortunately, some effort is occasionally required if you want to be a Senator. I weep for them.

5/23/2005

Headline Scan: The Heckler Edition

Another moment of realization in today's papers: When the wife of the most hated man in the Middle East overseas in the world goes to the Middle East daytripping, people get riled up! Who'da thunk it!?

News of a tragic Coney Island plane crash that killed 4 this weekend comes with the realization that angry Iraqis aren't the only forces seeking our demise. Gravity, for one. The nation has been walking on a better-than-thou, I'm-an-American-so-feel-bad-for-me cloud of holiness for quite a while, and it's time the bubble burst.

In sportly happenings, Afleet Alex wins the Preakness... Yipee...

Oh, and did you know there's a war on? Imagine!

5/22/2005

A Conference with the Almighty



Frist: Alright, Darla, it's time for me to leave you now.
Girl: Not yet Billy! What will I do without you?
Frist: You'll find someone else, Darla, stay strong. I'm going to God.
Girl: Please... William!
Frist: I've got to do it, Darla. I've got a meeting with the Lord.
Girl: (weeping in such a way that her hair becomes matted to her face by the salinity of her trickling tears) BILL!
Frist: It's time. (steps through door)
Girl: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (faints)

5/20/2005

Headline Scan: The Homecoming Edition

Still struggling to stay daily after all this time...

(NOTE: Ok, I've know I've ran out of excusable abscenses, but this time I was actually very ill and the most I could do was defend the Fry from the extremely one desperate hacker who keeps figuring out my password and posting his right-wing writings on my blog. Sorry for the inconvenience. I nkow you don't you don't forgive me anyway, but...)

Obviously much of the paper buzz today centers on the release of the sixth and final installment of the Star Wars series. Aparently, the movie is quite good and performed extremly well at its midnight debut, grossing a good $50 million. Some concerns are being raised due to the "political" nature of Lucas's latest. Scattered conservatives claim the movie slams President Bush through comparison to Darth Vader. They claim Vader's "If you are not with me, you are against me" quote in the movie is much like Bush's "If you are not with us, you are with the terrorists."

What these people fail to realize is that this comparison is frightengly accurate. Both men in question are evil, rutheless, and power-hungry self-appointed kings of their domain. So perhaps we can actually learn by this supposed comparison rather than yell at Lucas.

5/15/2005

Spam Roundup: It's an Original Replica!

-High quality authentic, orginal Rolex replicas available cheap!

-Keys to Being a Business Success... Key Number One: Online Dating and You.

-Hi, I'm looking for "criedmuller"

-Surplus Office Software-- er, fell off the back of a truck.

-I'm inviting you and four million others to my exclusive, private investment group.

-Make a thousand dollars a day! ...sending spam

5/14/2005

U.S. Senator got more than he bargained for when he stopped off to buy shoes

Today, Sen. Bill Frist got what was coming to him today when he went out to overpay on a new pair of kicks at the shoe store directly beneath the offices of Americans United to Protect Social Security.

Smoooth.

Exiting the store, he was hounded by dozens of protestors in quite possibly one of the most ironically knee-slap-worthy moment of... well, today at least.

Stuck in the Mud

The Mars Rover is currently the subject of much attention as it is... trapped in a sand dune...

It's hilarious just to watch someone living in a world plagued by war, famine, murder, terror, etc. to fret so much over a hunk of junk stuck in a sand dune 35 million miles away.

(NOTE: In no way am I undermining the importance of space exploration. It's only that it's very funny that Americans are still accident-prone tens of millions of miles away.

5/12/2005

Unintentionally Hilarious Article of the Day

Reuters:
Spain's Miguel Angel Martin was disqualified from the British Open on Thursday after television replays showed him improving his stance on a shot by standing on a tree.

Martin had signed for a one-under-par 71 before the video evidence came to light when the European Tour's chief referee John Paramor was alerted by a television viewer.

"Miguel Angel Martin has been disqualified for failing to include a penalty in his score," Paramor said.

"He breached Rule 13-2 on the second shot on the ninth hole when he took a stance on a small sapling which he felt may injure him as it had small thorns on it.

"However, as he could have taken his stance in another manner, without treading on the sapling, he incurs a penalty of two strokes."

Martin could have avoided being thrown out if he had been warned that he had to add the two strokes, but Paramor only found out about the incident after the Spaniard had signed his card wrongly.

Apparently, the fine sport of golf was sick of being overshadowed by competitors such as baseball and football due to controversy. So it made a half-hearted (and ill-fated) attempt to regain its once-renown position as "the most scandalous of all competitive activities", with chess coming in a close second.

In other news, golf is found to be the most ridiculously boring game in the universe.

(Cross posted at BNN)

5/10/2005

Fun with Google

Just thought I'd enlighten you all with this little nugget of knowledge that has recently come onto my possesion:

Daily Fry currently ranks seventh on Google for the phrase "michael strahan mistress" (without quotes,) and sixth for "area 51 green circles" and even higher after this post. Also, on Yahoo! I'm the eleventh result for "how to make pretend reading glasses" . Not even really sure what they were looking for, but these people will be dissappointed to know that I know very little oabout green circles, can't figure out why you would need fake reading glasses, and am not a mistress of any kind.... unless you count that one time I-- Nevermind. No mistresses here. Sorry.

5/09/2005

Who Would Jesus Sue?

That seems to be the question at the tip of everyone's tounge as one Jesus Christ is fighting a legal battle for the right to drive. Christ's attorney claims that he changed his name as an expression of his faith, but that the baby-eating atheist hellions want him dead... and without a license. Oh, wait... Hmmm. That last part is apparently... not true. It would kind of spice things up, though. Don't you think?

But apparently Jesus is quite worked up about this case already, as he is threatening to smite if his demands are not met. Me? I'm in the middle of sacrificing my sixth goat in a row as I type this. Y'know, just to be safe...

(Cross posted at BNN)

5/08/2005

Technically Not Torture

AP:
Many of the accounts detailing abuse of detainees in Iraq, Afghanistan and Guantanamo Bay by American military and civilian personnel don't meet the definition of torture, U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said.

Gonzales, who grew up in Houston, said Congress requires proving that intentional infliction of severe physical and mental pain or suffering occurred to have a prosecutable case of torture.

"Congress intended a very high bar here in order to be prosecuted for engaging in torture," he said Friday during a visit to Houston. "There may be conduct that you may find offensive that falls far short of torture."


Translation: We're quite fond of loopholes. They come in handy in times like these.

Happy Mother's Day

To my mother, and the rest of youse. Have a good one.

5/07/2005

Kiss Up & Criticize.... "Burka Blue"

"Burka Blue" by the first-ever all-girl Afghanistan group: The Burka Band, while sporting the "first-ever" bragging rights displays arguably rudimentary lyrics (e.g. They rhyme "blue" with "too" at least a dozen times.) albeit a rather catchy tune.

The lyrics are all in English, which is in all likeliness the band's second language, so the AAAAAA al infinitum rhyme scheme is understandable. Although their accents are extremely good assuming this is their second language. Speaking of lyrics, some of them seem rather inflaming due to the band's ethnic and religious background (in fact, all members of the band wear head-to-toe burkas at all times). Such as: "You give me all your love. You give me all your kisses./And then you touch my burka and do not know who is it." or "My auntie wears a burka, my uncle does it too./My sister doesn't like it, but she must wear her's too."

All in all, it's great for a quick listen, downloadable material? Maybe. But be warned: This tune will keep you up at night.

(Cross posted at BNN)

5/06/2005

Death to Blogger

Yea.

I said it.

I haven't complained too much about this wonderful publishing service of mine, but this is just too much. I had two half-complete stories in my draft folder yesterday, and today they're gone. They were long stories, too. We're not talking about some blurb I can just write up again. It's a lost cause now as I can't remember half of it anyway and by the time I do it will cease to be "news." Just thought I'd let you know why the afore-promised stories haver not been delivered.

Sorry for the inconvenience... I'm probably a lot more pissed off than you, though.

This Isn't in English!

AP:
President Bush said he likes to use the Mexican holiday Cinco de Mayo to practice his Spanish, but this year he's practicing his arithmetic.

Bush poked fun at himself in front of about 200 people gathered in the Rose Garden for the White House celebration on May 4, one day before the holiday marking the Mexican troops' defeat of a French army on May 5, 1862.

"My only problem this year is I scheduled the dinner on cuatro de mayo," Bush said. "Next year I'm going to have to work on my math."

Smoooooth. The thing is, no one told him "cinco"=5? I mean, parties like this pass through several people I would imagine. No one thought to bring up the fact that they were scheduling it for the wrong day? The mariachi band, surely, had to know they were celebrating Cinco de Mayo on the fourth. Or is everyone associated with the White House absolutely clueless? Never mind... don't answer that. (sigh.)


5/04/2005

It's Coming

I know I know, LBS again, right? Wrong. Actually, I've been working (around Blogger's server problems of late) on a couple large stories that are currently in my draft folder awaiting finishing touches, so patience, kay? I should get something up by the day after tomorrow, because tomorrow I'm taking the day off to go to Great Adventure.

("Hi, my name's Green and I'm an adreneline junkie. I've been roller coaster- free for nigh on five months, but I fel a relapse coming on.")

Try to get on with your life without me. It'll be tough, but I have confidence in you. While your anxiously awaiting my return, how's about you check out the oncoming End of the World?

5/01/2005

Attack of the Ads!

Blogger News Network (a blogger news group I belong to) is now offering ad space for your blog at just 10 bucks a pop for an entire month (for a text ad, graphics are gonna set you back an additional 10). Anywho, buy some ad space... pretty please?