Representation Through Humiliation

5/28/2005

How to Cheat Death the FOX Way

via FOX News:

1. Use your instincts; if a situation appears suspicious, leave the scene.
"Leave the scene"- American for "run away."

2. Don't become complacent; never let your guard down, no matter where you travel.
Blue states aren't the only places people want to hurt you.

3. Don't rely solely on the government to provide you with crisis or threat information -- do your own research, too.
In fact, don't rely on the government. Period.

4. Have a plan on where/when to meet family members in case of attack; map assorted evacuation routes from home/work.
Yes. Notify all family members of the emergency plan. But leave the black sheep child out of the loop.

5. Keep extra copies of your passport/birth certificate/ Social Security cards, other records. Keep copies in storage or with relatives, friends. Carry copy of passport when traveling overseas.
If the whole world is destroyed in nuclear warfare, at least you'll have your birth certificate in Aunt Milly's steamer trunk.

6. Never check luggage at curbside check-in at airports; carry luggage on board with you, if possible; carry as few bags as possible.
Unless you yourself are a terrorist.

7. Spend as little time at the airport as possible; avoid heavily glassed areas.
Windows are Satan.

8. When flying, wear comfortable clothing and shoes in case you need to quickly evacuate.

Also, try not to wear white after Labor Day.

9. Try to fly on wide-body planes; terrorists often avoid hijacking them.
Whenever possible: walk to your destination.

10. When traveling abroad, don't advertise your corporate affiliation or title on luggage or other items.

Terrorists hate insurance salesmen.

11. When traveling overseas, stay in an American chain hotel; security is usually more stringent.
And God knows no one likes subtitles.

12. When in a foreign country, don't advertise that you're American by speaking loudly, holding up maps, exchanging currency at airports, showing American flags, etc…

In all other scenarios, show American flags wherever possible.

13. Try to avoid crowded areas, especially in large cities; avoid public transportation and major tunnels and bridges during heavy commuting times.
If at all possible, live your entire life in a bomb shelter 200 feet below ground. Never attempt contact with the outside world.

14. Never stay in a hotel with an underground parking garage and never park in such a garage -- terrorists love car bombs.

Terrosrists also love cheesecake. Avoid bakeries at all costs.

15. Stock "safe-haven" rooms in office and home with duct tape, plastic sheets, flashlight, food/water supply, first-aid kit, portable radio and cloth to fill gaps in doors so harmful agents don't seep in.
This procedure also helps when your mother-on-law is cooking dinner.

16. Store a decent amount of cash someplace in case ATMs malfunction.
Store a decent amount Cheetos there, too. Y'know, in case vending machines... aww, never mind.

17. Carefully inspect mail before opening; check for return address, postmark, excessive postage, etc…
If it's from MoveOn, burn it immediately.

18. Never take the first taxicab in line; hail a moving cab instead.
First is the worst, second is too, take the moving cab: it won't kill you.

19. If ever a hostage on a plane, never make eye contact with captors, speak unless spoken to, or do anything to bring attention to yourself; familiarize yourself with typical airline hijackings.
Practice makes perfect.

20. Know what to do in case of a biological, chemical or nuclear attack in terms of symptoms, decontamination, etc…
Hint: Windex.

21. Keep an eye out for unattended items when using mass transit or in airports.
If you see an unattended item, attempt to find its owner. If this is not possible, take the bag on the plane with you to try to locate the owner.

22. Only carry essential money cards and identification.
Too many credit cards in your wallet will weigh you down when you are attempting to run awa-- er, "leave the scene."

23. When traveling abroad, read local newspapers to pinpoint dangers there; check the State Department's travel advisories.

But always... always read the New York Post. Because if you're about to be bombed out of your skull, isn't it best to know who Brad Pitt is dating this week?

24. Pay attention to: surroundings; someone paying an usual amount of attention to a prominent landmark; someone nervous or jumpy or trying to access off-limit areas; someone trying to hide something.

Immediately report to the authorities anyone looking at a Natioanl Monument for more than a few seconds. If they start taking pictures, don't waste time: Tackle them yourself.

25. Make out a will and letter of instruction in case you die. Get fingerprinted, get your blood samples and obtain dental X-rays so your body can be identified in case you fall victim to attack.
Also, try your best to leave a good-looking corpse as a courtesy to the television-watching public.

26. Do not live or work in a highly urban area that most likely would be a terrorist's target, such as New York City, Washington, D.C., or San Francisco.

Terrorsits just loathe show tunes, politicians, and gays.

(Cross posted at BNN)